Mom, I wish you could have been there

Mom never saw a grizz. But because of her parenting,
her oldest son has seen seven.

Tomorrow will mark the 27th year since the passing of my mother. She had just turned 45 and died on her birthday. Since I will be 45 years old in less than a year, that age puts a little fear in me. Some years I am so busy at work or life on my parents birthdays or death anniversaries that the day passes and I realize it a couple days later. We have all said "What is today's date? when writing a check or doing paperwork. Other years, I realize it for a few days leading up. Truthfully, I'd much rather have the date pass,, but obviously, that did not happen this year.

 When I was a kid, I am not ashamed to say my mom was my best friend. Almost every night we would drive around the farms at dusk looking for animals. Truthfully, we didn't see much. We were always on the lookout for deer, skunks, or anything crossing the road. When we would see an animal, because it was fairly rare, both of us would get an adrenaline rush.

One time while on vacation in New Hampshire she was walking in front of me on a covered bridge. She saw an animal swimming (otter, muskrat or beaver, I suspect). She got so excited she yelled for me to see it. Needless to say the animal dove underwater never to be seen again.

There is no question that my love of wildlife, fishing, and the outdoors comes from her. I feel that she gave me a basic foundation that I have built off of. She gave me the the opportunity to spend time outdoors. I went full throttle and have seized the chance to make outdoor memories every chance I can. So Mom, here is a letter to you-

Mom,

I've wrote before how I wish I could have taught you to catch species of fish that you really never did. Although you taught me how to fish drowning worms on the bottom, there is so much more. I would have loved to have taught you to catch stripers using lures. It would have been awesome seeing you reel in a keeper with your little rod. Who knows, maybe I could have finally taught you to cast a spinning rod the right way.

However, today I want to tell you about some of the wildlife I've seen. Why? because I wish you could have been there to see it too.

The day before DJ and I went into Yellowstone I was acutely aware that I was about to go to the number one place on my bucket list. I knew the next morning there would be no place in the entire world I would rather be. Not the Serengeti, not Rome or Paris, but Yellowstone. We entered through the Northeast Gate. After entering the park you drive through Lamar Valley. It is a huge valley with mountains on either side but they must be five to ten miles apart.  My euphoria about the park had to be put aside. Within a few miles we saw a herd of pronghorn. We saw at least three grizzlies. While watching the bears, DJ saw a wolf. We had an eagle fly by.  There were buffalo in the valley. When we left the valley we went to the remnants of a Petrified tree. What do we see from the parking lot? A black bear eating berries. This all happened in the first 90 minutes of being in Yellowstone and we had another 6 days to be there. You would have loved it.

Along the main road at Grand Teton the Snake River forms a sharp bend. The area is known as the Oxbow. It is a known wildlife spot. DJ and I went there before dusk. There were multiple beavers swimming.There were white pelicans swimming about.  However what we did not expect to see were a herd of elk on the hill and the black bear in front of us. It was one of the best hours of my life.I wish you could have been there.

Mom, we stayed at a campground at Rocky Mountain that had such a problem with pine beetles they cut every tree down. It looked like a wasteland. However the animals loved it. When we woke up one morning we had a herd of elk walk around the campground. They like eating the ashes from campfires because of the minerals. We also had plenty of mule deer AND a mother moose and her baby came through. It was awesome. I wish you could have seen it.

There are so many places I've been and so many animals  I've seen, I wish I could have shared some of those memories with you. The road leading to the campground in the Badlands has buffalo, prairie dogs, burrowing owls, mule deer, and pronghorn. It also has dozens of bighorn sheep living near it. This includes a bachelor group of males with huge horns it is awe inspiring. I was standing ten feet away from a giant ram with horns completely curled snapping pictures.

A mile hike from Roaring Brook Campground in Baxter State Park, ME will bring you to a pond that moose feed at every morning and evening. One day DJ and I spent five hours watching a soap opera play out. A bull moose was courting a female that wanted no part of the action. She had a baby with her. When the mother and calf left the water, they walked by the rock we were standing on. My heart was racing, it was a little scary but exhilarating. I  could have reached out and pet them. They were that close. The water falling off of them was literally landing on my feet. You would have passed out. If you would have been there with us, you probably wouldn't have stood your ground and let the moose pass. You probably would have tried to scare them away from coming straight at us. So maybe it's best you missed out on that one.

And Mom, it is not just big adventures that I wish you didn't miss out on. There are plenty of places close to home. I see more deer in a year now than I did in the seventeen years that we were alive together. There is close to a one hundred percent chance of seeing deer at Sachuest NWR. There are so many deer there and they are not afraid of people. They will hang out right at the parking area letting spectators take all the pics they want.

 Ospreys are so common now, that by April 15 I just chalk them up as another species. There are so many wild turkeys, the only time I get excited seeing them is if I'm five feet away getting pictures. Even that has become pointless. I've gotten so many wallhanger photos of turkeys, I really don't need anymore

You would have loved Plum Island in the spring. We wouldn't be going there looking for cardinals. A bad day there is seeing less than ten species of warblers. My target species this year was the beautiful Black Throated Blue Warbler. You would have loved seeing all of the colorful birds. You probably would have been pretty impressed that I know all of their names. I worked hard to become a pretty good birder.

Which leads me to a question. Why did you never get yourself a nice camera? Honestly, I'm kind of mad at you for that. I know how unselfish you were and you put your kids first, but a good camera is an investment in memories. I could have gone with a few less presents on Christmas if it meant a good camera. You wouldn't even have to buy it for yourself. It could have been a family camera. One year DJ and I got a backpacking tent from Santa that was neither mine nor his, just a useful gift for both of us. This is a tough one to let go.

Red Knot
One of the highlights of my year

I wish you could have taken the walk out to Napatree Point in June, I'm not sure you were ever healthy enough to trudge a mile and a quarter over the sand. However seeing all those shorebirds is so worth it. I was as excited to see the Red Knots this spring as you were on the covered bridge. However, I didn't yell and scare them away.

Mom, I've seen dozens of moose to the one that you saw in Skowhegan. I've seen wonders that I couldn't have even dreamed of. It is not bragging. I love going to wild places. I actively search out places with lots of animals and I go on vacations to those places. I realized while on vacation with DJ in South Dakota that although I love big views I like seeing the animals more. It was Lois Crisler who said "Wilderness without wildlife is just scenery".

I do not get the adrenaline rush every time I see an animal like I used to. When I do, it much more intense and less fleeting. Although they say adrenaline is a quick shot and burns off in a few seconds, I'm sure I had it running through my veins for ninety minutes when Laurie and I were walking out of our overnight in Wind Cave's prairie. We had buffalo all around us the whole way. Every corner we rounded had a two thousand pound bull that we had to avoid. It was intense and probably the most alive I have ever felt.

 I got an adrenaline rush when I saw Finback Whales feeding in the rip off of Race Point last April. I got it when I saw the Red Knots, Scarlet Tanager and Snowy Owl. It doesn't  happen often anymore but when it happens, I know I'm enjoying the moment.

If their is difference in our love of nature it is my wanderlust. While we were both always sad when vacations ended, we always went up to Maine every year. And I loved it. I loved the memories our family made up there. But now I have wanderlust calling so loud at me that I can hear it in my sleep. I want to see so many places. I want to explore places I never heard of as a kid. My bucket list of hikes is pages long. There is no way I could possibly see everything that I want to, but I'm sure as hell going to give it a try.

I never asked you what you hoped for me. Luckily, I never had a dying wish or promise I had to live up to. I suspect there are things I've done you would not be proud of and I don't know if I have lived up to your expectations. I realized a long time ago, that there is no point trying to live up to the expectations of your deceased parents. However, once I got past the stupidity of my early twenties I have tried to live my life in a way that I was a role model for my son. He is still his own man and he is going to make mistakes, but my hope was he had someone to look up to. I think I have accomplished that.

I think all we can hope for our kids is that they are happy. Maybe that is all you wanted for me, maybe you wanted more. I do know this, to this point, I have not lived a good life, I have lived a great life. I have made so many memories. Most of my best have been outdoors while fishing, hiking or wildlife viewing. A large part of that goes to you for taking me to do those things when I was a kid

But Mom, I wish you could have been there.