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| One of the best days of my life. DJ and I hiked the back side of the Grand Tetons. We also saw a couple of bears and a moose this day. |
Many people are looking to "find themselves" or "become the best version of themself". I have been "me" for a very long time. Although I may change my mind on a political issue or two, my core values have stayed the same for at least 15 years now.
Since the year that I turned thirty and had an epiphany that I was kind of a jerk I have really mellowed out. I don't let too many things bother me. I'm competitive but not obsessive. I obviously love the outdoors. I love learning but get bored quickly if I don't like the subject. My son is my favorite human. I find myself getting up early on my days off, but have a hard time wanting to be out late. I don't watch tv hardly at all, but I will binge watch a series I am interested in. I would prefer to travel than work. I work to live as opposed to live to work. I prefer going to concerts than sporting events. I love animals, I could go on.
One thing that has always been true, I am very conscious of time. Despite what people close to me will tell you, I am not obsessed with it, but I am always aware of it. Even before my mother died when she was 45, I was always aware of the memories I was making. I always appreciated the "now' when I was on vacation, at a concert, or just having a really great day.
However, if time is constantly on your mind, then you always have the past and the future. For sure, I think about the future a lot. Usually when it it gets too dark to do anything after work in the late fall, I will start planning for the following year. I'll check tide charts and moon phases. I can devour a book on hiking trails in an hour and list the ones I want to do. I plan future vacations and day trips. Planning vacations, researching places to go, and making a bucket list for the year is almost a hobby in itself.
The past on the other hand, is a little more complicated. When I am doing fun things, I take a lot of photos. I enjoy photography. I don't look at it as getting away from the fun I am having at the moment. When I have a good day, I also can't wait to write about it. I enjoy sharing my stories and my photos. I hope I give good info and maybe some of you will consider doing whatever vacation, museum, or fishing trip I have done.
However, taking photos and writing have another purpose. That of course is, I am documenting memories. While I enjoy the acts of writing and clicking the button on my camera, I obviously enjoy the end result too. Since DJ was a baby I have averaged about one photo album a year. When he was young, we still used film so I had no choice but to get photos developed. But even with digital, I still get prints for some things. For example last year, I made my 2019 album starting with the few big fish I caught, followed by notable birds. After that the next section was the day trips and overnights I/we did that didn't birds. Lastly, is the section from my Florida vacation. This is my favorite section in the album.
The way I have always looked at my blog and albums was almost like having memories in my pocket. I figured if I get too old or unhealthy to do the things I do now I can go back and read about my adventures and look at photos of my son growing up fondly. If I were ever stuck in a nursing home, I would consider these photo albums and words as my greatest treasures. I thought they would give me hours of enjoyment to fill the day thinking about my "glory days"
About six weeks ago, Laurie asked me if I had learned anything about myself since the virus changed all of our lives. If she would have asked me that question in December the answer would have been no. Like I said in the beginning of this post I know who I am. I know my likes and dislikes and I know my strengths and weaknesses. However, I did learn one thing- when you don't have anything to look forward to in the future, looking back on the past is sad. It was not a good epiphany.
As we were all basically in lockdown, there wasn't a lot to look forward to. I did go birding outside two days a week, but I social distanced, cut back on grocery shopping, and was scared just like most people. I had multiple overnight trips cancelled including some real fun ones like Machias Seal Island. I know everyone went through a lot, some lost way more than me. None the less, just like everyone else, 2020 has sucked for me.
Anyway, back to my point. While I was doing something next to nothing but different than the day before, I went and looked at some photo albums. I reread about my trip to Florida. What I realized is, I was getting sad. Instead of being happy looking at photos of Key West I was unhappy I wasn't there and may never go again. I did not expect this feeling. It is the exact opposite of the collecting memories to enjoy/relive emotion I expected to feel. We planned on going to Florida again this November. Those plans are obviously on hold. Even if we get to go in 2021, that is a so far into the future, it is silly to get excited over that possibility.
Hopefully, things will be better in less than a year. Hopefully all of us will be going on vacations. However, my epiphany translates to disappointment when I get too old to have adventures. If I can't drive or stuck in some nursing home, I don't think I will be looking back. I don't think I'll be smiling at photos of DJ and I on top of a four thousand footer. I'll need to figure out some new hobby because looking at the past will depress me.
I don't know where this leaves me. I still have a lot of future plans. I really do have a notebook that is dedicated to my bucket list. I have it divided into the eastern part of the country and the western states. I checked of 13 things in Florida last year. I still enjoy the present. I have always enjoyed the little things anyway. So I am not noticing sunsets any more that in the past. Rare birds and big fish have and always will excite me. The only thing I do know, is I am happy I have always been aware of time. I'm happy I've noticed the little things. I'm grateful I really enjoyed being a father every day when I raising my kid. I have a few regret in life just like everyone else, but letting time slip by isn't one of them. I've had a great life so far, and I hope that it continues for many years to come. But I know, that once the fun is over it won't be much fun to look back.
By the way, did you catch the song lyric by Prince above? Clever, aye?
-Yesterday's are over my shoulder
So I can't look backward too long
There's just too much to see waiting in front of me
And I know I just can't go wrong
-Jimmy Buffett
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