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| I think about these speedsters every day |
One thing DJ's mom brought up was how difficult it is to "keep up with me." As we were reminiscing, she pointed out that for years I have always been the type of person that needs to be on the go. In the ten days before DJ was born we did a lot of fun things. In that week and a half, we went on a whale watch, went camping in New Hampshire and went to the Dog Track twice. We also spent a day in Salem, MA going to all the witchcraft tourist traps. This is while working a full time job. I have only been to the dog track those two times. Going was a new experience for me and I had fun. The whale watch was great. The trip to New Hampshire was good and I dragged Crystal on what is considered an easy trail ( not when nine months pregnant, apparently) to look at waterfalls.
Being so young when I had him (21) I thought once he was born my life as I knew it would be over. As it turns out from the day he took his first steps a year later, we went right back to doing fun things almost every day off from work that we could. There is no doubt that I wanted my son to learn about all sorts of things from history (we did the Freedom Trail twice between the ages of two and four), culture, to learning about the natural world through fishing and birding. Throw in vacations, Little League and Pop Warner and we were always doing something.
The point Crystal was trying to make when she talked about the week before my son was born, was it wasn't necessarily fun but kind of stressful because she could never relax. Although she pointed to that week as an example, she said that was how I always was.
Since our family meeting, I have been thinking about this a lot. Crystal may be right. I do feel that any day spent indoors on a nice day is wasted. That is true if I have the day off from work or if I have a few hours of daylight after work. If I sit at home I get antsy. I guess I never thought about this being somewhat stressful for the few people I let into my life. Last year, on every single day that I wasn't working from March until mid-December I spent the day doing something far from home (except a 100 degree day in mid-August).I never took a day off to " just relax" because I'd be bored out of my mind by 9 am. More often than not, during nice weather, I am up two hours earlier than on work days. I do not sleep in! I'll leave to go trout fishing in April at 5am, and I don't even need to set my alarm clock.
Of course, as a kid growing up,being on the go wasn't a problem for my son. It was just lifestyle. He would much rather go hiking in New Hampshire for the weekend than sit at home. Still, for DJ's mom then and maybe my friend Laurie now, I think it might be hard to have a relationship with me.
On Saturday I did that trip to Race Point. I spent all day driving, birding, and walking the beach. I was physically and mentally tired when I got home. I went to bed at 10:30. I had to work Sunday but things went smoothly and I was out of work at 2 pm. Laurie came over and we (I) started thinking of things to do. It was a raw day with the snowstorm approaching. Still as we were burning daylight, I started to get fidgety. I knew that if we didn't do anything while the sun was out, my mood would change and anxiety was setting in.
I truthfully thought "what the hell is wrong with me?". I had a big adventure the day before that exhausted me and I can't sit still for one frigging day. That is why I'm writing this post.
My other best friend is a retired school teacher. He is outside every single day. He is either fishing (for carp and stripers) or skiing at least 350 days a year. No doubt, he can relate. To him being outside isn't a lifestyle, it is as much a part of life such as eating and breathing. That is how I feel. I have more hobbies that vary from multiple species of fish to museums, concerts,birding, hiking, etc... Still he gets to "play" every single day. Since he fishes for two species of fish, his planning is around where to fish and what is the strategy for catching them.
I, on the other hand, always feel like I'm missing out because I made a wrong choice. Many times I'll fish for trout while Dave is fishing for stripers. If he tells me they were busting all over and he caught twenty stripers, I'll kick myself if I only caught a couple trout. The same can be said if I go birding and the trout were biting. Having so many thing I enjoy doing always makes me feel like I could be doing something better. This is especially true in the spring, particularly May when stripers, carp, trout, largemouth bass, shad, and bird migrations peak. This paragraph seems like complaining. Truth is, I enjoy the problem of trying to figure out what is the most productive use of my time. It's just sometimes I wish I didn't have so many things that interest me. Too many choices.
On another note, I day dream a lot. Some of it is useful, such as planning on where I am going fishing
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| I can't sit in my house for fifteen minutes without getting bored, but I could sit and look at this view for hours |
Which leads to one of my last annoying points. My goal in life is to travel the country living out of my car (actually I'd want a small SUV). I am positive that I could travel the west for at least five years and never come home. I know I wouldn't get homesick. Of course there would be a very small list of people I'd miss. They are probably the reason I have not sold my house and done it. Still, I think about it all the time. I have an itinerary written out for the first three years. It takes in time of year, snow melt, trout fishing, and bird migrations. Mostly, I would be backpacking the desert in the winter, Utah canyon country in spring and fall, and mountain ranges during the summer. Yes, I really have it planned. I don't know if it will ever happen, but I would not be sad if my life ended as a homeless vagabond traveling around looking for the next breathtaking scenery.
Sometimes I can control this wanderlust. Other times it is all I think about. Clearly, this is one of those times. Truthfully, I love my life. If I die tomorrow, I will have no regrets. I accept, I will never see everything I want to see. So there is no point regretting never making it to Glacier NP. Because if I make it there, something else will take its place on top of my bucket list (Giant Sequoias). As long as I keep trying to do everything, that's all I ask of myself. Chasing a Yellow Billed Loon on Saturday or spending a day trout fishing down the Cape are things I love doing. As long as I do those things, I am happy. My problem is, as soon as one adventure is done, I'm ready for the next one (which is why it was stressful for DJ's mom to date me, and not relaxing)
I know I am never going to change. This is who I am. If I could use one word to describe myself it would be "wanderlust". I will never be the person to come home from a vacation a day early. That said, I envy the people that get the most out of life from human relationships. How much easier it must be to want nothing more than to come home to your wife and eat supper and be with her. I clearly have a couple good friends and a very small number of my family that I am truly close too. But no matter how happy I am to be with them, it comes back to going stir crazy if we are not doing something outdoors or going on an adventure. I know it sounds condescending, but I truly mean it when I say that it seems easier to not want to see every inch of the U.S. and just be content with family.
Again, I'm not going to change. I may never get married. Who the hell is going to put up with me being outside to well after dark every single day from April 15- Memorial Day?
End Rant
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